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Thought of the Day
Firday, September 3rd, 2010
From the Thought of the Day Archive:
The Circus
Let's face it, the Circus sucks. Okay, if you're four years old, the Circus kicks ASS. But to me, the Circus just sucks. I've never heard this statement spoken by anyone at any time in my life:
"You know what I really want to do? Go watch a good Circus!"
To the best of my knowledge, nobody I've ever met would ever say such a thing. Some of them might want to say it, but they know the price. Fucking Circus. Bunch of dicks.
You know what's never funny? Clowns. John Wayne Gacy kind of put the kibosh on clowning, if you know what I'm saying about it. If I ever have kids I will teach them to fear clowns.
There's, like four Circus clown bits, and they just keep doing them over and over and over again. The too-many-clowns-in-the-car gag was funny for about eight seconds in 1957. How about something more exciting and hilarious like clowns thrown into the lions cage? Now we're talking Circus.
But clowns are just one of the several bores within the lofty Circus pantheon of tired, unentertaining crap. Trapeze artists are kind of cool - there's a lot of skill involved in flying around the air like a crazy monkey. But after you've seen your 100th person flipping through the air off those trapezey things, you've pretty much seen all the trapeze artistry that you're ever going to see, ever.
Trapezery definitely needs some new, interesting twists if it is to survive in the new, more dangerous circus of my dreams. Like if 'trapeze artists' were all of a sudden called Trapezinators and they had to dodge lasers and fly around above a bunch of hungry bears, maybe the whole trapeze thing wouldn't be so damned boring.
Perhaps the most annoying and intolerable part of any Circus is the requisite goofy calliope music. I'm pretty sure the shotgun was invented exclusively with calliopes in mind, because I can just see some guy thinking to himself, "You know, if a guy could build a gun with enough power to effectively destroy a calliope with one shot, that would be pretty cool." Can't they just play some Floyd or some Allman Brothers, or something? Christ. I'd like to see a detailed report on the number of strokes and aneurisms caused by Circus music. You listen to Circus music long enough, it'll fry your brain. No shit.
And don't try to sell me this stupid cirque du soleil crap, if I wanted to see a bunch of prissy Frenchmen play with streamers and balloons and hang off a bunch of crap, I'd...well, I'd go to the Cirque du Soleil, but I'd rather just not do any of that. I'm talking about a Circus, here, with fearsome elephants and physical feats of amazing proportions and clown-fed lions and lasers and metal spikes and dangerous armed coyotes roaming the audience and a bear driving around in a little car.
It's hard to imagine how you could make the guy getting shot out of the cannon any cooler or more entertaining. Maybe if they shot a guy, or maybe a corpse - because of the scorching - out of an actual giant cannon, instead of one of those fake catapult-with-wires jobs. Shooting an actual clown out of an actual giant cannon would spice that number up quite a bit - because of the scorching.
I don't know. The Circus is kind of dull - they could maybe sex it up a bit. Without these or other, similar modifications, your average Circus just doesn't interest me.
(If you don't do the PayPal Thing, feel free to EMAIL ME
and I'll shoot you my snail addy in private)
Thank you readers for your continued support and loyalty!
I love you all,
Ben
In the meantime, here are some classic TOD's for your enjoyment:
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