Every eleven years, our Sun passes through a heightened phase of apparent surface instability. Once a decade (or so), the second law of thermodynamics kicks-in and Sol experiences what can only be described as violent stellar diarrhea. Barely digested solar mass is spewed throughout the solar system in spurts no more frequent or less sporadic than a morning after greasy breakfast for an amateur drinker on New Year's Day. We call this the "Sunspot Cycle," and there's all kinds of shit all over the planet and in orbit (and beyond) which measure the ins and outs of this phenomenon, supplying the tight asses with all the empirical data which leads them to suspect that which the rest of us feel in our bones: the Sun, like the rest of the fucking universe, operates in cycles. Huh!?

Early records of sunspots indicate that the Sun went through a period of inactivity in the late 17th century. Very few sunspots were seen on the Sun from about 1645 to 1715 (38 kb JPEG image). Although the observations were not as extensive as in later years, the Sun was in fact well observed during this time and this lack of sunspots is well documented. This period of solar inactivity also corresponds to a climatic period called the "Little Ice Age" when rivers that are normally ice-free froze and snow fields remained year-round at lower altitudes. There is evidence that the Sun has had similar periods of inactivity in the more distant past. The connection between solar activity and terrestrial climate is an area of on-going research.
-David H. Hathaway, NASA/Marshall Space Flight Center Sunspot Report

Let's digress for a moment. Ever hear about the full-blown tropical trees they've found in the arctic circle? Yeah, they've found all sorts of crap like that. Petrified rainforest, amphibians, flowers , all within miles of the north frigging pole. This is no bullshit. This isn't some New-Age fantasy, this is fucking real.

When one looks at these arctic anomalies and compares them with everything we know about the geomagnetic history of our planet, one can only conclude that the entire crust of planet Earth has moved, independently of the mantle, in massive, rapid jerks throughout history. Ever taken a look at the Piri Ries Map? Well, this little gem of cartography, inked in 1513, depicts the land mass below the Antarctic ice cap to a degree of precision not matched until the Swedish-British Antarctic Expedition of 1949, when a seismic profile revealed the Antarctic coastline to human eyes for the first time since roughly 4000 B.C.E.. You just try to explain that shit to me.

So, then. Ever heard of the 'Hab Theory?' Well, you're about to. Here's the nuts & bolts about it all:

Based on shitloads of geophysical, historic, and modern observational data, it should be apparent to even the most ignorant slob that two shocking, extreme geophysical events have occurred repeatedly over the last 4.5 billion years on this here flying rock.

Specifically, 1) the magnetic poles have flipped dozens, if not thousands of times over the eons, and that, 2) rather than a series of "ice ages" -whereby a cyclic phase of glacial advance and retreat has subsequently affected both topography and climate - nearly the ENTIRE GLOBE has repeatedly been covered (and subsequently uncovered) by pole-to-pole glacial ice. No shit. Yeah, yeah. Shut up and listen:

Budyko showed that if the Earth's climate were to cool, and ice were to form at lower and lower latitudes, the planetary albedo would rise at a faster and faster rate because there is more surface area per degree of latitude as one approaches the Equator. In his model, once ice formed beyond a critical latitude (around 30 degrees north or south, equivalent to half the Earth's surface area), the positive feedback became so strong that temperatures of the surface plummeted, yielding a completely frozen planet.

The key to the [second] problem - reversing the ice-albedo feedback - is plate tectonics. Climate scientists have long known that the amount of carbon dioxide in the atmosphere plays an important role in determining the Earth's temperature because it is a "greenhouse" gas meaning that it absorbs infrared radiation emitted from the Earth's surface. Over time scales of human lifetimes, the amount of atmospheric carbon dioxide can be affected by biological processes such as photosynthesis or respiration, and by human activities such as the burning of tropical forests and fossil fuels. Over time scales of millions of years, the amount of carbon dioxide in the ocean-atmosphere system is adjusted to maintain a balance between its supply by volcanoes, both on land and in the ocean, and its removal by chemical weathering reactions with silicate rocks, which convert the carbon dioxide to calcium carbonate which is then buried in sediments.

In the late 1980s, Joe Kirschvink at the California Institute of Technology pointed out that during a global glaciation, what he termed a "snowball" Earth, the supply of carbon dioxide to the atmosphere and oceans from volcanism would continue because of plate tectonics. However, if the Earth were so cold that there were no liquid water on the continents, weathering reactions would effectively cease, allowing carbon dioxide to build up to incredibly high levels. Eventually, the carbon-dioxide-induced warming would offset the ice albedo, and the glaciation would end. Given that solar luminosity 600-700 million years ago was about six percent lower than today due to stellar evolution, Ken Caldeira and Jim Kasting at The Pennsylvania State University estimated that roughly 0.12 bar of carbon dioxide (about 350 times the present concentration) would have been required to overcome the albedo of a snowball Earth.
-The Snowball Earth, Paul F. Hoffman and Daniel P. Schrag

Couple this "iceball-Earth" concept with a three-thousand-fold magnification of the Sunspot Cycle know as the "Galactic Superwave Theory," and then stack both those ideas on top of the whole "crustal shift" theory, and you have enough information with which to kick every textbook you've ever read, every middle-class scholar who's ever opened their big fat mouths, and the entire Roman Catholic Church squarely in the ever-living seeds. 4,500 year-old Sphinx, my ass.

See, everything which the extant data (and, to be fair, a reasonable amount of conjecture. see: Hubble Constant, Heisenberg) regarding the geophysical, climactic, and tectonic history of our planet represents is everything that Microsoft, the N.S.A., Big Oil, and Jesus don't want you to believe. Namely, that this is is an ugly, uncaring universe which is full of chaos and pain and brief moments of godlike bliss, and that everything we stand for, everything we create and adore in this physical world is eventually as doomed as our own mortal coils. Try squeezing that copy into a 'Charmin' advertisement and you'll begin to get a clue just how disjointed our collective reality has become. NBC has a lot to loose if this gets out, so keep it under your hats, or you may never see "Friends" again.

Okay, so what's this all about? See, just like the electromagnetic activity on Sol's corona builds to the point where the Sun shoots its' wad at us every ten years, every 250,000 years or so, the O2/CO2 ratio gets just fucked enough to cause a downward spiral in temperatures. This is called a "Negative Feedback Cycle." Eventually, the Earth turns into a giant iceball with mile-thick ice at the equator. Sometime after that, for various reasons, the earth lets out a methane/CO2 burst rivaled only by a middle-aged dowacher, just home from a Clam Chowder Cook-off, who has recently removed her girdle. The resultant spike in greenhouse gasses causes an extremely rapid thaw of the ice ball, simultaneously setting-up the conditions to start the aforementioned cycle all over again.

It would seem that, at some point in the progression of this iceball cycle, there is enough inconsistency in the displacement of glacial weight upon the crustal system to cause a massive Crustal Shift - sort of like a child's spinning top with a wad of bubble gum stuck to one side, shortly after it loses its' centrifugal inertia, dig?

Fucking WHAMMO! The culture that built the pyramids and the sphinx and all the other crazy shit around the globe vanishes, and the Earth has 50,000 years or so to recover, all their artifacts have time to turn to dust, and the human cycle begins again. and the only thing that seems to survive this destructive phase is astrology. They all had it. Aztecs, Egyptians, Sumerians, Israelites, Native Americans, EVERY goddamned culture, irrespective of temporal plane, geographic situation, or phycho/socio/spiritual belief has used what we call "Astrology" in some serious, SOPHISTICATED way. Explain that, Zahi. The Fucking Dogon were somehow aware of the binary nature of Sirius B thousands of years before the Western invention of the telescope, for god's sake. Clearly, something is going on, here...[next section coming soon!]

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